It was a beautiful Friday morning, got up dressed up, excited, singing ready to fulfill my purpose, when I got the office, I saw my other colleagues being escorted by our manager and I was told not to get inside and wait outside. So, I did wait, then I was called to go into a room where there were my employers from cape town. I was told that the reason I’m called is because there are allegations laid against me and given a letter that says, you are dismissal for misconduct pending hearing. I was told that, the people I have recruited laid charges against me because of mis treating them, stealing from them, taking money from them etc.
Hearing those words, I was shuttered, crushed and overwhelmed by emotions. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. You know I froze for a moment to determine my next move. Who am I right now? Who do I want to be known for? How do I want to be remembered in this situation? What story? And I walked out of the room. I was broken inside. So, when I got home I cried because I was broken inside. I was literally ashamed what my family and my in laws are going to think of me. So, we went through the hearing and when I asked them to prove to me that I was abusing the people they couldn’t.
Then one day I heard that during my other colleagues hearing the called the police to come and arrest them. I mean that got me so angry that, you are being accused of something that is not true and they can’t even prove it, but they have the guts to arrest you. That moment it even got me angrier that before. So, I took them to CCMA and were given a date to attend our first hearing. At that moment I was pregnant with my son and I didn’t even enjoy my pregnancy because we were in and out of hearing. Up until I they won the case, how I don’t know. So, then I decided that it’s no longer worth it. But deep inside me I was broken.
So, then I went to see a doctor, I remember sitting in the room waiting patiently. And it was my turn to go in and the doctor just looked at me and say, Mrs. Nkwinika, you are suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder and you are clinically depressed. I looked up at my doctor and said, “are you telling me that I’m sad?” I was a life coach and motivational speaker at the time. I had just started my career. And she said, Mrs. Nkwinika, you’re not just sad. You’re really, really, sad. Clinical depression was a too big word. I’m like, “do you mean I’m really, really sad?” She said, “yes, you’re really, really sad.” And I thought, “what do I do with my students? What do I teach them when they’re really, really sad and they come to me?”
One morning after giving birth to my son, holding him, he looked so adorable, innocent and I couldn’t stop myself, tears rolling from my eyes and I said to him. Mummy will never be this broke or broken again. I was unemployed, living in a house which we were unable to pay rent. My husband business wasn’t doing well. Thank god to my family and friend who threw me a baby shower, but those clothes were too big for him, as he was too tiny. I remember during my pregnancy I wasn’t eating well. I was starving myself because I was depressed. Things were not going well. Immediately after giving birth, all I could think about was I need to get a job. Then I started looking for a job and not focusing on my little boy. I was getting regrets and that got me frustrated even more.
And that day, I was willing, I don’t know if this will sound totally crazy, but I was willing to completely die to any form of me that I had been so that I could birth to the woman that I was becoming.
So, I started writing affirmations that I needed to hear. I wrote down the things that I needed to remember. I said, “I must have forgotten who I am.” When you’re sad, it’s because you’ve forgotten, you’ve lost sight of who you really are. You’ve gotten consumed with the circumstances. You’ve gotten consumed with your experience in the moment and you’ve forgotten who you’ve been designed to be; who you’ve been born to be. I forgot. So, I started writing affirmations reminding me of who I am, and I didn’t care because I was fighting for my own life. Then I opened the bible to see who god said I was. I forgot… I forgot who I was and whom I was, and who I belonged to. The reason why a lot of people won’t become who they want is because they are too attached to who they’ve been. I had hit my version of rock bottom.
See, another reason why people won’t get there is because the doorway is for you to fit through. You’re trying to carry everyone else through because you’re trying to rescue them first and you have got to rescue you first. I am much more valuable to my family and to my community because I was willing to let them go, go through the door by myself, teach myself, learn myself, condition myself and then come back and get them. I am much more valuable to them now.
I had to allow my conviction to make the inconvenience. You see, we all want to grow but we all want to stay liked by everybody. I was ready to be my own rescue at the risk of your approval. Most of us aren’t like that. Facebook is an example, we want to be liked. Well I woke up and I liked myself today, so your like is extra. My job is to like me first.
I was willing to say every day, “Fikile you like you?” “are you proud of you?” Every day before I checked in with anybody else. That’s lonely by the way. Why won’t most people do it? Because it’s scary and it’s lonely. I was willing to find people who had what I didn’t have, who were living lives that I wasn’t living, who believed things that I didn’t know about. I was willing to become their student. I killed my ego every single day, murdered my she-go every single day. I was willing to be the student first. I looked at every toxic behavior in my life, everyone.
I’m no longer trying to protect, hide, prove and defend. If you wake up every day and say, “I have nothing to protect, I have nothing to prove, I have nothing to hide, I have nothing to defend, now who do I choose to be?” Your energy is consumed with protecting, consuming, hiding. Let go of that, now you’re in creation. We are under-celebrated. You want to hear thank you from others more than you are thanking yourself. You want to hear other people say ‘I love you’ more than you say I love you to yourself. The world is following your example on how to treat you. How you treat you, the world is going to follow your lead. I had to start treating myself better because I was everything for everybody but nothing for myself. I was willing to inconvenience my entire life, I was willing to disrupt my entire life to buy my future, to buy my possibility, to give my dream a chance. We are not supposed to tuck our dreams in on the pillow when we get up. We are not supposed to leave them at home and go and fulfil somebody else’s dream. That’s not what we’re wired to do.
Our human spirit says, “what’s our command for tomorrow, what do you want to create?” Your brain is keeping score, your human spirit isn’t. Your brain is designed to keep you safe. Your soul, your intuition, your human spirit is designed to make you soar. When you get to the edge, your brain will always tell you to step back because you can fall. Some days you must listen to your soul and leap. I am here to tell you to jump because only 3 things can happen, you’re either going to jump and fly, you’re going to jump and fall on something soft or you’re going to fall and fall hard. Either way you’re going to get back up. You already know you’ve got what it takes to get back up.
Your greatest fear is not that you will jump off and fall, your greatest fear is that you’ll jump and never fly. You’re not afraid of dying, you’re afraid of dying before the world sees who you really are, before they really get your finger print, before they really get your contribution, before they really get to feel you- that’s what you don’t want to happen. You don’t want to leave this place without us knowing you were here. I am an ordinary woman who everyday gets to make one more extra-ordinary decision every day.